I love your over-populated city
And the ‘majnoon’ driving in the ‘sharia’s’
I try not to be affected by it
But I can’t help it
I’m so crazily in love with this madness
This chaos and disorder
That seems so orderly to me
No matter what I tell myself
Am I insane, I just don’t know
Is it me or is it the rest of the world
Cause when I hear you all laughing
I feel part of something – bigger than the whole
Yes, even bigger than that
I don’t know what to say except
That I must have lost my mind
Somewhere in these dusty streets
I have to be certifiable – yes that makes sense
Cause no-one here would understand or agree
Maybe they’d arrive and ask me
‘What the hell do you see in this place?’
And I’d have to answer honestly
That I just don’t know
But it’s like a disease that I’ve caught
And now I’m reluctant to part with
Oh God I must be loony
But it’s so addictive and so overwhelming
Maybe now I believe in magic and spells
As that is surely what happened to me in November
As I lost sight of anything else
And this city took me over and I thought
I could stay here for a long long time
And never get bored, or want anything else
It’s almost myself
And then we moved on
To that town that I have seen so many times
In my dreams and in my heart
The town that I believe is mine
I have been here in a past life
No doubt about it, if you have faith in that
Well I’d believe in anything here
And in a breath in the palm it disappears
And like that – it’s gone
Like a far distant song – that echoes in the night
But you can never truly get it out of your mind
This is my home
And when I was there
I felt something beyond description, beyond compare
A thing so powerful that I denied it
Because I was scared
But your temples and your tombs
They are something beautiful
And the dusty yellow atmosphere just sucks me in
And I am here
Even when I am miles away – yes even today
And I see photographs
And it’s like looking at home
And all I want to do is cry
Why why why why why
When all sense and reason tells me to say goodbye
Why can I never turn my blind eye
And never erase the picture from my thoughts
The sound and the lights and the magic of it all
This is my home
I know it when I’m there
Yet when I leave it gets put away
Into some dark corner like a forgotten box
Waiting to be opened at any time
This is not what I want
I want an uncomplicated life
But always this confusion
With where I am
Because I have seen you now
And no matter how hard I try
I can never ever forget
The way you made me feel
The silent tears you made me cry
Oh the peak of love
Is the moment just before
You actually do what you realise
Can it ever last once the actuality is acheived
Or is it the thought that makes the fantasy real
I do not know the answers my friend
All I know is that this place is unreal
Yet so real in my heart
I’m afraid I will never know the solution
But if I started a revolution
It may just end in pain
And how much of this place is left unseen
How many hardships and how much pain
Give me a dose of reality
Please someone help me
There are always two sides of any coin
And how it lands is purely chance
Which side is apathy and
Which side is the dance
I hope one day to know
But if I don’t
I will still be glad for what I had
And it will never leave me
It will comfort me in my darker hours
And soothe me in the war of love
My perfect place
No matter what anyone else says
My perfect, perfect place
breathed in his ear
warm autumn tones
stroke dew-dropped libido
eyes are moon pools
to his bruise-filled psyche
synchronised rising and
falling of fluttered breast
on jaded expression
lays him down
naked and exposed
lulls the sense with
a focused gaze
touches the curve of
his weary skin
subtle rythym languished
in sensitive dance
gliding deeper into
This is it.
The place where she once lived.
Familiarity and nostalgia
Wash over her in crashing waves;
she’s determined not to drown.
Her mind’s eye blinked;
brought them back to her.
Her friends, teenagers back then
finding life by a telephone box,
scratching names with a pfennig.
There’s the bubblegum machine
that gives birth to sticky treats
and the signs that speak German
guiding her home with expert arms
as the summer sun smiles.
Her mother, beckoning
from the ground floor window
which means dinner is almost ready.
Her sister and brothers are squeaking
down a shiny metal slide.
Now here’s the special place
tucked away in a corner, where
he asks her for a goodbye kiss.
She has waited months for him
since the staring on the school bus.
She walks to the apartment block
where disco lights circle a musty cellar.
The girls in peach and lime green,
the boys in denim with eighties hair
scaring each other in the graveyard.
A piece of grit lands in her eye;
she wipes it away with a shaking hand.
The image is gone
Now there’s no bubblegum machine.
The park has given up its toys,
her mother no longer has the key
to that dwelling, another family have
gatecrashed the proceedings.
The special place watches only her
standing alone, reminiscing.
The apartment block is just an apartment block;
the music has died. She sighs
then turns and walks without looking back.
Every petal of this rose is jumbled up
Do you suppose…
They have been crushed by outside forces
Mixed in with weeds and other killers
To stifle and to stop the spirit?
Each arising tells its own simple story
Do I live in glory…
Life has confused itself with thinking
A not-quite-melting pot of feeling
How can we run from this believing?
All the sawdust from the building rises up
Chokes the senses…
When have we understood the reasons
For letting go the deepest secrets
What should we do to really mean it?
The way you made me feel
The silent tears you made me cry
Oh the peak of love
Miss Haunted Halloween
The fairground was a burst of light upon the sombre moors
Who seemed reluctant to accept the incandescent lure
Animated bustle imposed itself on barren heath
Where he and I wrestled
Yes, we grappled
With the boisterous mass, clustered like leaves upon a wreath.
We queued up with the other fools on this night Halloween
Neon sign allured us to a ride we’d never seen
Stating: “Ride the Ghost Train!” – so we young lovers sat inside
Clutching to each other
Laughing, we teased
What skeletons and demons would we see before our eyes?
The journey has begun! We rattle into dark abyss
We giggle at the paintings of horrific images
And share a kiss so tender as we enter the last phase
Where lips touched in the cold
Cobwebs we brush
As we brace ourselves for the final – they said would amaze
So unsteadily we proceed; coming into bitter end
A vision appears; young girl as we round the final bend
She reaches out, implores us; to save her withered soul
He put his left hand out
It went right through
Her ragged dress and pleading form – she seemed so real and whole
She whispered, “Help me please, for I am truly desolate
No-one who’s been on this journey has stopped to help me yet
I died too young and now I feel no-one will take the time
To listen to me
Hear my words
I was engaged to be married but fate altered my rhyme”.
Chuckling, we stepped from the cart, pleased with these firm illusions
On the way out, we paused to ask, “The last girl, the delusion
What gave you the idea to include her in the ride?”
“Don’t know what you mean
What girl was that?”
The operator answered, then said “Once there was a bride
Who was murdered brutally on the eve of wedding day
We wondered whether to include her tale in our game play
Well, in the end we cut it out; she had too much of pride
She had a lover
But lower class
Her parents said no and so she committed suicide”
“But we saw her in there!” my so-loving partner said
“Well, let’s just keep that quiet” scoffed the man, “because the dead
Can sometimes come to haunt us when we expect it least”
Maybe it was her
Perhaps she saw
You and your partner inside our belly of the beast”.
So to this day I really cannot explain the thing I’ve seen
All I know, she was so real, Miss Haunted Halloween.
Please tell me
What can I expect from the world?
What damage will it do me?
What is it will make me happy?
Will something call to me?
What troubles will I face ahead
How best can I deal with them?
How much should I not avoid
How much should I pursue them?
Will something liberate me?
A parent’s job is never easy
I don’t blame a single day
You taught me many good things
Made me what I am today
A peaceful person just on their way
My journey… it has just begun
Or has it already ended?
Surely at not so young an age
I wish you’d stop pretending
Give it to me with judgement suspended
We’ve all made decisions in our lives
Some regret and some without
When I was young I only wanted
Someone to point out
The path of life with and without doubt
But I know life is not that simple
And you both did the best you could
Only sometimes I wish that I
Was not so misunderstood
You like to hoard money.
you are economical with the truth;
an eye for a bargain, a nose for trouble,
chip on your shoulder.
These days you look much older,
make snap decisions
simply because you’re tired of thinking.
I see you sinking,
into your own recession,
but you’ll learn a valuable lesson
When you reach the heart, that is all that matters.
When you touch the soul, nothing else compares.
Something so deep rooted
That it will always remain inside your blood and in your every waking, breathing minute.
Although you don’t always think about it
It gets pushed to the back of your mind
And you get on with everyday life and think
You are ok, it’s just a dream after all.
Lets not get it confused with the real world.
But oh! by Allah
If I could only describe
The way this place makes me feel inside
Like the childhood within me that has been under lock and key
Suddenly set loose, let free
And all desires and hopes and wishes
Regardless of their probability
Taking on real shape and actual form right in front of my eyes.
And no-one to tell you:
Stop being stupid
NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL
Just pure and simple
Pure and simple, that’s the key
Pure and simple love and affection and wanting and needing and feeling and breathing and touching and crying and laughing and living and dying
When it comes down to it
The heart tells us what we need
If only we could always listen and disregard worry or consequence
Live for the moment
Touch the deep primitive emotions that lay buried in all of us
When it comes
Even though it is just for a split second
You know in that moment
Your life will never be the same again
Getting out of bed in the morning
I’m like a new-born calf
Teetering unsteadily on shaky legs
Trying to get a grip;
Losing balance, crashing down
Then lying, blinking and squinting
At the intrusive sun:
I make it on the fifth attempt.
Drinking PG Tips in a stained yellow mug
It’s too strong – I left the teabag to integrate
Found that he and bubbling water
Have a lot in common
(And he’s a pyramid)
While huffing and
Puffing on a friendly Marlboro Light.
Can’t watch any of the eighty five channels
That fight for space in the cable box.
Don’t want to hear about
The young girl with leukaemia
Or the latest Crazy Frog ear pollution.
Won’t be subjected to
Another irritating episode
Of Friends – I’ve run out of antiseptic cream
Which in this case is Baileys Irish.
I wash in apricot scrub
Almost rub my face raw
As if I could remove the top layer
And find a happier one beneath.
The toothpaste tastes like toothpaste
Well, I guess that’s something.
I open the cupboard and I am greeted
By spiteful clothes who don’t fit anymore
They spill over the edges, jeering
Creased with age and skilful avoidance
Of a hot triangle of steam
They are suspicious of anything
That claims to make them look younger
There’s always a catch
A burn hole or a loose thread.
I apply my war paint in the dusty mirror
I have no desire to see myself more clearly)
Yes, I am preparing for battle
But could I truly ever be Braveheart?
Paint on a smile in neutral colours
Hide the sombre crescents under my eyes
With clouds of fine powder.
I wind myself up
To tick-tock through the approaching day
Hopefully with no alarm bells
Nothing that could jump-start my heart
Or melt my ice cocoon.
But just in case
I pack my survival kit
Bandages of childhood dreams
Wipes to erase my memory
Plasters to coat my wall of faith
And a thermometer to test my self defence.
Let them bitch about me, let them snigger
Let them deal me the tarot card of the fool
At five o’clock I’ll jump down the rabbit hole
Back to my nonsense world
And feel safe.
It appears this way: that the mountain I must climb
Is staggering and possibly cold at the peak
But I will never know unless I climb it step by step
It could be a sunshine paradise up there
Things seem one way: that single lonely perspective
Is isolated in its self-indulgence within
But who can tell for sure unless they make the effort
It could be the greatest time of our lives
And no sin
This mountain is steep, and yet
It could be the best adventure we know
This mountain is high, but who can say
We won’t look back and see what a long way
We have come
Murder, She Wrote
Mumble, mumble… Hush!
QUIETLY we must proceed
Through disloyal hallways ill with greed
It was bad enough that we
Crunched the gravel with our feet.
Whisper, whisper… Ssh!
SILENTLY I think I said
Your clicking heels will rouse him from bed
Giggle later when he’s dead
Or cackle, if you like, instead.
Creaking, creaking… Be still!
GENTLY tip-toe to the door
He sleeps alone with beckoning snore
Now the bell tolls half past four!
He has woken up once more.
Quickly, quickly… Hide!
BUTTON up your noisy lip
I think he’s making a bathroom trip
Flushing sounds and drip drip drip
Now he back to slumber slips.
Nearer, nearer… Shush!
CREEP slowly to the creep’s bedside
Now he stirs and sees my gloating eyes
Wants to run but nowhere to hide
Ah, sweet revenge with cyanide.
Hold it, hold it… Tight!
SQUEEZE his nose – his mouth will gape
I joke, he’s been in better shape
Saliva froths, his body shakes
It’s not him! What a big mistake!
In spite of contadictions and assurances withheld
Never mind the bollocks, here’s where I trust and feel
Past history tells me that you are loyal stuff
Don’t let me down, I won’t let you down
It’s all fluff
Know me well and I’ll reward you, and I know you well
Enough to understand your habits and your shame
Past events recall to me the reasons that
I won’t let you down, don’t let me down
It’s all fluff
Attaches itself to you
And you cannot run away because it sticks with you
My friend, you are fluff
love you always
No matter what
No matter how
I will love you always
As I love you now
She lived near beautiful peaks
But now faces another mountain
The uphill struggle of prejudice
Wheat and rice she grew with pride
A farmer’s wife, cushioned with
Sweet and pure simplicity
Uncut diamond, bright inside.
Till they doused the gentle
Flame of ignorance
That flickered in midnight eyes
Husband dead by sunrise.
Screaming she runs
Hide hide hide hide
They’re looking for you
How long before they find you?
She fled from everything she loved
Freedom fighters caged her
From her homeland, from her heart
She must make a brave new start
Now she’s in a hostel bed
With roaches crawling in her hair
Darker than midnight eyes
Dead by sunrise.
The sand feels soft and warm
Between my toes
Dipped in grains of fire
Cool comfort beneath the surface
My hands feel the heat
Rising through palms
And I’m breathing familiar air
Meets my lungs with joy
Distant friend in my grasp again
Let the desert wind
Flutter the scarlet about my head
As I look to the horizon
For my one and only spirit guide
Who lights my heart
With euphoric dance
And leads me into ecstasy
The drumbeats soothing
The echoes of my heart in
Belief eludes me
as I press a twenty-first century foot
next to limestone that just witnessed
Its three-thousandth year;
ancient whispers still audible
enchanting me with their story
God of the Underworld
circles me, drinks my soul with his eyes,
regal and poised with lotus-white charm
his skin earth-kissed;
with pillars sighing, enticing
colour on colour upholding grace
An indigo ceiling
declares shimmering stars that smile
where spirit road ends for a heaven unveiled
protection embraces life;
duration falls in an elegant swoon
into the waiting arms of fortune
Entering second phase
phoenix flies with heron wings from ashes
barely breathing life, and turns to the falcon
as a new-born baby
cradles knives into his chest
life merely a twist in the thread of eternity
The hairs on my neck
awoke upon sensing her guardian spirit;
the goddess Neith, breathing on my skin
fraying cloth caressing
heavenly shapes, as she offers
a helping hand to our Queen
Now I gaze upon her
Nefertari, bearing the finest weave;
precious gift stitched into rich symbols
and further on I see
Hathor and Isis dancing by her side;
she wears a pearl and ivory cloud
Final chamber of delight
Isis touches a silver ankh to newly-cold lips,
a sovereign mouth opens, inhales immortality;
above my spellbound thoughts
a sparkling sky soaked with infinity
I am consumed in wondrous recognition
All around smells musty
the scent of long-forgotten souls who cry
who sing their stories to a painted heaven
I am enraptured, like a child
where aged creatures laugh into my ear
beautiful secrets sleep within these walls
And reawaken within me
Curled insides and vacant seeming
Iron-straight outside, crooked’s hiding
Cheek muscles strain and elevating
Sparkle-less gaze, no feeling’s pretending
You’ll never know
You’ll never know…
I never saw light before your smile
I swear it
Nothing the same
Although many things similar
It was unique… that moment
I never felt fire before my eyes met yours
I swear it
I never knew burning inside my soul
I couldn’t imagine this
Nothing the same
And no-one here is to blame
It was the first time… that glance
I never felt longing before my skin touched yours
I didn’t know
I never tasted love like this before
I swear it
Nothing the same
Is it or is it not a game?
It was a moment… frozen then
I never wanted anyone’s kiss this much
I swear it
I never wanted this, it’s so inconvenient
I never predicted this, I try to be lenient
I never asked for this, it’s the wrong time
I never wanted so much that you’d be mine
And so another New Year
Comes crashing fast
Hits the lamppost that stands
Just outside my feeling window.
This time it’s the big three-oh
That taunts me
Changing the first number
Not the second.
And where am I now?
Still in the same crouching position
As the last one and the last one
Like cement poured in my veins.
Another sick day – another judgement
The jury without all the evidence
So any sentence is biased
Just like my own
Written or imposed.
And so another resolution
Hits the pebbles
Where once I drew flowers
In felt-tip pen and bright colours
Washed away by reality’s rain.
Back then, I wanted to grow
So I could wear my Mum’s high heels
And reach the washing up bowl
How sweet the child’s perception
Of adulthood perfection.
But here I am
Hiding from responsibility
The child crying
Take me back, take me back
Wait your turn
In the blood bank queue
Drip feed the deficit
Spoon feed the government
Time to turn off
Our life support machine
For Operation Cash
A lethal injection
Of first aid rejection
No need to scrub up
And touch dirty money
Bones of contention
Fractured by poverty
As for authority
Time to admit
There’s more than one type of
Ethiopian snows were melting
And African forests welcomed the rain
The God of Water raised his head
And cried a flood where desert had lain
This beautiful river of dreams
At first his tears came slowly
Reflecting those sparkling emarald eyes
But as the sunshine touched his hand
Ruby red stars poured down from the sky
This beautiful river of dreams
Eastern children began to smile
Then kissed the damp ground with sunburnt lips
The God of Future breathed a song
And blew magic lilies from his fingertips
This beautiful river of dreams.
She sat, she stared
She never cared
Even when the plants
Were all withered and dry
No pity fell
In drops from her eye
She was blank, she frowned
In nothingness she drowned
Even when the sky
Shone a sunny delight
No wonder crept
From some hidden light
She blinked, she looked away
I punched him in the Post Office queue
Was it necessary to do?
Yes, I argue
As screaming out words
Has no effect but
To make it much worse
So I aimed for the eyeball
You meant to do it?
Yes, as I said before
Now can we just get through it?
Officer Clarke interviewing at ten o’ ten hours
Continue, she said
I have nothing else to say
I socked him one nicely he deserved it today
Which somewhat bugged
So I punched her in the police cell
Now I’m all chained up
Not feeling too well
Yes, I can fight
Shout loudly and bicker
But what’s the point
When a punch is quicker?
So I aimed for the eyeball
I don’t care
I’m post passive-aggressive
Take heed and beware
All this time I kept it quiet, I hid my feelings, hid them well
You even said that, when we spoke, you never read it in my words
Every day for years I tried, to conceal and to distract from this
And now tonight I’ve finally confessed, a portion of the truth, and you heard
Now you know part of the story
You opened up to me even more, when I let loose some of my blood
Oh how I loved it, talking freely, no barriers or so it felt, but some still up
But just to admit that, the burning heart, on the second or third day felt
You told me you sensed this well, I should have known, but was never told
Now it all makes sense to me
I didn’t realise you’d had so many offers, I guess that’s your line of work
Sometimes I find it hard to believe, how many times you have refused
Yet I believe you, because I think I know just who you are
My childhood dream, naive, innocent, crawling in daisies and future petals
Now it’s too late to retract what’s said
My money ran out at precisely the wrong moment, just as usual for us
Wanting more to say and more to discuss, so much left to tidy up this mess
Confusion sets a heartbreaking precedent, it makes me crazy
You know you’re insane, helpless, lost in love and singing songs of olden beauty
Now I feel one step closer to this particular heaven
I am wandering in a maze which has, no end, no beginning, just trapped inside
My life was simple before your burning gaze, my heart was happy and content
You’ve changed all that, you raised the stakes, you jumped with both feet
Into the fire, with no consideration for, the one thing that could help me out
Now I think you’ve understood
Because of my honesty with you
I wish to sit and drink tea with you, to discuss all we’ve been going through
Because I was ok before I met you, joyful and appreciative of reality
But when your voice resounds I feel the passion, don’t mention the kiss
That could and would happen, if left to our own devices, both in madness
Now I feel a beating shame
Because I spoke the words of truth
I do not know what to do, I am really stuck right in the middle in this game
What will make me see the cold light of day? I think I know, but I don’t want
To see it, I just want to escape to red and blissful happiness.but isn’t that what
Caused this mess right from the start, my denial, my pushing away of anyone close
Now I am reclaimed, my own fault
Because I slipped just for a moment in time
Lying on the bed with you, like you said, I feel it as if you were there beside me
Hand on my face and neck and anywhere else that you like it
I can’t deny much more this desire, this hunger for your beauty spiders, you know
To understand this is beyond my capabilities my love, ask me not to explain
Now I cannot write another line
Because my hand shakes more than it should (it shouldn’t at all)
I’ve comprehended all you’ve declared, and this time I cannot hold back
I’m sorry, sorry for you my other, because you love me dear and I return it
Just in the way you like it, and have I become someone else, a person who is
Not myself, I smash the mirror, in those songs, beause nowhere I belong
Now I do not know mself and this is very interesting
But this is not the end, my friends, listen up real close
And sense the vulnerability which courses in me
Feel the high, it’s the only way to cope. And of course, to set us free.
I’m sorry that I finally caved into this
But I have no regrets, in a way, because you made my life worth living
Now I want to lose myself in you