Caged

Caged bars, looking out not in,
shackled to my self-doubt.
Strung up, hung up, never
one to give up; chewing bitter
rope of strangled youth
from my ribena wrists.

Take me, release me
but the lock is inside me
while the key swims in my blood.
I thought life would be simple
but here I am in
a different kind of chain reaction
waiting for answers, but in reality
the answers are waiting for me.

Camilla

Camilla needs her beauty sleep;

without it, her eyes dig circles deep

beneath their beds. Who was it who

said, beauty is in the eye of the

beholder? Her eyes turn a cold shoulder.

Camilla blinks, her vision blurry;

eyes took a bath while she was in

a hurry. Fluttered cover under

painted lashes, she attracts the kind of

cheques she cashes. Hides her gaze

behind boarded windows; barring

entrance to her soul. When was she

whole? Her stare has no case, not

justified, yet not erased. Who will catch

her tears when they fall? No one.

No one at all.

Candle (Cinquain)

Candle
Weeping blue wax
Softens as she is touched
By an old flame; melting again
Wick-ed

Care Not

I care not for anything that means nothing
I only want the soul deep empathy
And if you don’t feel it: why should I care enough
About it?
If you are not wise enough to know it
I won’t worry about it

Casino

Touching the sky is no big deal, as it seems, I am reluctant
In my dreams
Reaching for clouds is no great thing, as it is, I am participating
In all of this
Flying doesn’t make amends for it, as it appears, I am forever
In all my fears

Who are we anyway?
When the chips are down, who are we?
Just players in a large casino
Taking a chance on life
on
Maybe if I am

Catapult me into light

Catapult me into light
I need the push
Remind me of the starry night
And midnight’s gentle blush
I’m only someone
Just like everyone
A little nudge to get me started
On the path of rose petals
And the candles of truth
Burning beauty’s flame
Over and over and over again

Let me swim in love’s perfume
Until I can sense nothing else
Dew dropped bluebells sing a life
Of tried and tested pill popped high
Who never heard the honesty
In a lullaby

I know you’re with me
Every pearl stroked day
We can roll in heart-shaped leaves
If we get our own way

Cemetery

as I walked through
I knew the cemetery hates
I defile its gates
retreat into a marble town
boneyard business closing down
and you became cryptic

Central Line Expression

I grumble to a weary rest as my doorways release
Pouring mixed commuter potion into terminal veins
They disperse through dirty corridors and drafty passages
As I cling to the track with breathless welcome.

More travellers aboard; I watch through panes thick with dust
They scramble, jostling for empty seats in worn-out patterns
Impatiently I take their burdens and their heavy baggage
As I accept their strain with oppressed reluctance.

Today I take a closer look at the souls within my carriage
Amuse myself with their unspoken thoughts which linger
Hanging in the stagnant air like stray reminders, post-it notes
As I charge forward with screeching objection.

I see a girl with hair as rusty as our old station locks
Furtively she educates herself – steals glances from headlines
Over the gloomy shoulder of a man with pressed grey trousers
As I shudder my way towards distant glow.

Opposite is tired-lady with her yawn and rounded hips
She balances a groaning child upon each resentful knee
Plastic bags stacked around her feet lose their feeble balance
As I make tracks into waiting man-made light.

So now my restless passengers alight; pushing their way
Through the huddle of new faces eager to climb inside me
To stare blankly at the words written above each other’s heads
As I sigh to a thankful stop so short and sweet.

I long to glimpse rays of sunshine through parting clouds
To emerge for air fresh and pure – oh, lonely adventurers
With your cloudy minds and eyes blind to your surrounding beauty
As I prepare once more to confront the dark.

Challenging waters

Challenging waters
My pain a drop in the ocean
Apparently

Always seem to be swimming
In the face of the wrong wave
Spinning, like a whirlpool
In love with dreamer’s days

What does this mean?
Why grant me a precious gift
Which is unjustified?
My hands are well and truly tied
But I’m alive

Sometimes feel like drowning
I keep my head under for so long
Still the morning dew calls me
With its beautiful song

Challenging waters
My pain is the ocean
Surely

Cheri

Cheri sits, as hot skin shimmies
A dream, a danger, delight
The stirrings have started this evening
The dance is commencing tonight
A moment in passing is noted

Christmas Carol

The first of the three spirits
Came to me on Christmas Eve
She had dry-drunk eyes
And a promise she would leave
Once the lesson had been taught.
So I was caught
In between learning from my mistakes
And disbelief that the spirit makes.

She said:
“Hold your head up high my love
Listen to the words I whisper
Your lesson today is how to
Drink yourself into a wine-based stupour.”

She proceeded
Popped the cork from a fine bottle
Of vintage Cabernet
Drank the lot in one swift move
Trying to drink the pain away
She turned and laughed heartily
At the shock within my eyes
Said “Why do you look so frightened, dear?
This is how you’ll be tonight!”

True, I had planned for merriness
After all, it’s Christmas time
But her behaviour warned me away
From the lager and the wine.
She started talking nonsense
As she crawled across the floor
“Alcohol has saved my life!”
But I don’t think so any more.

The second of the three spirits
Came to me on Christmas day
She had a pack of twenty
Said she’d smoke her life away
If the lesson was not taught.
So I was caught
Between the devil on one shoulder
And fear I’d die but not much older.

She said:
“Watch me very closely, dear
As I take just one more drag
Your lesson today is how to
Smoke yourself to death with fags.”

She proceeded
Lit the cigarette with pleasure
With hands shaking and grey
Smoked the lot, entire pack
Trying to smoke the pain away
She turned and laughed heartily
At the worry in my eyes
Said “Why do you look so glum, my dear?
Isn’t smoking for the wise?”

True, I had planned for nicotine
After all, it’s Christmas time
But her behaviour warned me away
From another Marlboro light.
She started puffing heavily
As she wheezed a little more
“Cigarettes have helped me through!”
But I don’t think so any more.

The third of the three spirits
Came to me on Boxing day
But she carried no vices
Nothing to take her life away
At least, that’s what I thought.
But I was caught
Inside the trap that she had set me
I could see nothing to upset me.

She said:
“Don’t be deceived by what you see
I carry a burden greater
Your lesson today is how to
Give yourself much heartache later.”

She proceeded
Went and opened my front door
In walked friends and family
Holding hearts and wearing smiles
Trying to love the pain away
She turned to them so bitter
Pushed them as far as she could
Said “Stay away from me, you scum!”
And tore their hearts in two.

True, I had built a strong brick wall
Before this Christmas time
But her behaviour warned me away
From this angry heart of mine
She started wounding those I loved
As she shoved them back out the door
Said “Those who love you hurt you most!”
But I don’t think so any more.

The moral of this story is
Not every problem is obvious
But reach inside and you will find
Your healing heart is still inside.

(What it is in your power to do, it is also in your power not to do)

Circles

Smoky relief swirling
in spirals of mystery
moving so gracefully
dances with destiny
touches profanity
in wispy non-clarity

She breathes in
then blows gently in circles
he shuts his eyes
imagines in purple
with shining captivity
they are naivety

Dusky haze settling
on sweet bed of history
smiling so silently
answers with memory
tastes of eternity
in fragile uncertainty

She sees him
then trips over in circles
he looks to her
adorns her in purple
with melting insanity
they are humanity

Move in the right circles
they said
She made her own circles
instead

Climbing Rhyme

My shirt label reads:
‘asylum seeker, feeds on
the needs of our
people, has power to
somewhat devour UK pride.’
I have tried endlessly
to confide – it’s untrue
I’d never undo your
system. Unglue those eyes,
stuck with lies of
media size proportion. Where
is compassion’s fair smile?
I tear at my
heart, and I dream
to die, I’m suspected
instead of protected, every
step rejected. They’re dead,
my family – bled rivers
of red, massacred youth –
I’m without proof, but
it’s truth – I’m devastated;
get more frustrated, every
time subjugated to hate.
Can you relate? What’s
my fate?
Will I always be
an object of hate?

Cloud Of Silver

As angel breath and candle blood
A chain bride after all
Church, dark from the vampire
You
With devil teeth
Eating at my only cloud of silver
Make me like the storm spell
While I cry a misty mirror

Collage

Like dreams we once walked this land
Clay tablets engraved
The Gods listened and
Wandered about restlessly;
Sacred marriage was
A common theme
I shall smash the door and
Shatter the bolt
Sun surrounded by all the planets
History is not a true science.

Pay attention to my instructions
Pure of hands
Into the midst of heaven
The Earth Mother’s kiss
Did change the carefree;
Prosperity prevailed in the universe
The wise one of
Wide-ranging wisdom
The river is holy – don’t bathe in it
Perfect in a queen’s dress.

Colours

We’re black and white, you and I;
I’m also black and blue.
I watched you, brown-nosed,
talking of grey areas and laughed.
I was tickled pink; your little
white lies amused me.
He, green with envy,
a blue-collar worker with
rose-tinted glasses,
ran away, yellow as custard.
Now I’m seeing red,
your blackmail lies unread,
and once in a blue moon
you understand my colours.

Colours

As long as we live we can never see or experience
The multitude of colours in our lives
Blues and greens, and everything inbetween
Peaceful melodies of our lives – I watch the tide
Come to shore and disappear

And the red hue of the sky descends in my vision clear
The magnitude of rainbow in our souls
Reds and blues, and all shades for every time
Lonely paintings of our time – I see the clouds
Come quite close and vanish here

Colours
Leave me black and white
Because your colours
Leave me stranded without light
Colours
Taunt me with the moonlight
Colours
Fade when I leave your sight

Colours

Control

Can’t say
What you mean to me tomorrow and yesterday
Or today
Even though I am aware
Of flames licking my face and hair
Yet you do not know this…
Because I do control this

Can’t say
How you make my hairs stand on end and body give way
And shiver
Although you are aware
I am sure, of your breath on my skin
Yet I do not show this…
Because I do control this

Control is the name of this game
Control makes me ashamed
Yet enflamed
Control

Cornfield

I watched you yesterday, working in the cornfield,
your henna’d curls burning in the midday sun
and watching you I felt a newborn time arrive
like a newborn son.

Those almond eyes on fire, blazing in the cornfield,
your balmy skin glowing, my shining knight
and seeing you I felt a cherished thought arrive
like a cherished night.

I watched you yesterday, as I worked in the cornfield,
your golden plaits dancing around your small waist,
watching you I felt I was growing older
like a growing waste.

Those Siamese eyes shone and blazed in the cornfield,
your blossoming skin shouting sunburn aloud
and seeing you I felt I couldn’t not touch you
but I’m not allowed.

Will you wait for me, just delay it five years?
When I’m older I can be all yours

Life goes on, you’re young and beautiful
When you’re older the world will be yours

I want only you, tell me you’ll be patient!
It’s only the age between us

Life goes on, you’ll be a twinkling star
There can be nothing between us

I’ll wait

Don’t wait

I’ll wait

I’ll always be waiting…

Crystal Cave

I’m inside a crystal cave
Feeling brave
Feeling the good moves I made
And I’m crawling along
Criss-crossing in and out
In my very own way
Seeing the white and sparkling
Angled bars
They are hard, like stone
But gleam alone
Now there are crystals
In my heart

I don’t want to talk about it

You know we haven’t seen her for ages
She just hides away and never comes out
Must be the company she keeps or, maybe
She doesn’t like us anymore

She never telephones us at all, even though
We ask her out on a weekly basis, must be
Something I said, or something I’ve done
I’ll take it personally if that’s ok

And won’t bother to find out what’s wrong

Ah my friends you have no idea, but if you took the trouble
To ask me outright, maybe you’d find someone in need
Someone who’s messed up and could you help me
But you just assume, or think it’s not that bad

I know you have no idea, and that’s sad
Because I really need a friend right now
I need that warm embrace right now

I need something more than anyone could know or help with
Right now

I don’t want to talk about it
I don’t want to talk about it

Dark Deceiver

You stroke the sky with mocking hands
Tuck the stars under your belt
Hide the beauty… start the hell.
Dark Deceiver
You lick the night with greedy tongue
Breathe the light away from you
Spite the wonder… kick the blue.
Dark Deceiver
You laugh a storm with heartless smile
Drum the clouds into the dirt
Abuse the silence… enjoy the hurt.
Dark Deceiver
I rise from my bed of youth to greet you.
Waited an age and myth to meet you.
Welcome, now is the time I need you.
Dark Deceiver
I cannot resist you.

David

I know how difficult it is – to think those cheerful thoughts
I understand the anxiety and the worry it can cause
I feel for you because I know you fear the very worst
I sympathise with all your doubts – but let me tell you first

In spite of every criticism – thrown at you in the past
Despite so much rejection when you were just a lad
Regardless of hostility and blame which was not fair
You pulled yourself up out of it and still had love to spare

I know that you’ll be wonderful – you’ll flourish when you leave
This stupid town so negative where it’s impossible to breathe
I’m proud of you for deciding to get away and start anew
I hope you believe me when I say that I believe in you

You’ll be a great success if you can focus on the good
This town is not meant for you and I think that you should
Fly away, although I’ll miss you, your happiness means more
Just believe in yourself and you’ll prove to be the brother I adore

Good luck David, you deserve it, and stay positive.

Love from your older and not much wiser Sister
Deb xxx

Different Person

What life-transforming change awaits me
How will it be in the hottest winter
And is it possible to make any effort to be
A different person

I admit that I have no idea
On the subject of dusty months ahead
Yet I feel that it will rejuvinate and maybe make
A different person

What life-inspiring move calls to me
How will it be, will it be as good as
Everything that I wish it to be and will it help me see
A different person

Or just me

Dictionary Gamble

I hover near the rounded edges
of this fat casino, gorged on rhyme
and hollow tokens of gratitude.
Raked inside with bedraggled leaves,
I loiter near fruit machines
plied with alphabet copper,
(little hope of change)
and watch as dictionary gamble
is once again played.

Die

When I die I would like to think
That other people could read my poetry
And relate to it in such a way
That no-one but their own eyes see

There is so much pressure in Western society
To be seen as ‘cool’ and not to stray
From expected norms and media harrassment
Do not listen to any of that

The media are nothing, they are one big fat lie
They have no idea about what reality and real life are like
Do not compare yourselves
To wafer thin models and so on
Love yourself for who you are
It is because we are all different that makes us human
That makes us real
Do not let this society grind you down
Or call to heel

Celebrate your unique stance
And do not be ashamed of it at all
The more this world becomes out of control
The more fragile we are
But remember all your family who treated you well,
And if there is none, then remember your friends
And never give up your ultimate dreams
As long as they are your fantasies
And not someone else’s

I have a message for the world
Though I suspect no-one will hear it
Listen to your heart thoughout your life
And never try to change it

The heart is the flesh and the blood which
Helps us when we need it
So soon we forget how much we cherish
And we breathe it
Do not give up your dreams in life
No matter who tells you otherwise
Life is for living the best way you can
To be happy, and after all
That is all we want ultimately, isn’t it
Listen to your soul
Nurture it and feel it
It will tell you what you desire
Follow it, you know that this is right

When I die
I want you all to know
None of you ever really knew me
Or my soul, it’s not your fault and I have had
Some brilliant relations and friends in the past
But none of us ever reveals
The truth we deep down engulfing feel
But if we all took the time
We’d have something more than this life

If I die
Remember me for this
That love is above all other things
Above all regulations and all rules
We do not always understand it
And if anyone tried to pin it down
I would say, you do not have a clue
Love cannot be fastened to anything
Just listen to the voice inside of you

When I die
Respect what I have said
Listen and take from this what you will
I’m not trying to say I know everything that is
But I have learnt a lot from this shortest life
I know that in the end
Love is always the answer
To anything.

Dirty Thunderstorm

Dirty thunderstorm
I am caught up in your light
Suspended in your glare
While you crackle me here and
Crackle me there
I am dancing in your dust
Swimming in your strobe
While you try to blacken
My eyes and my nose
Dirty thunderstorm
Your heat repels me yet
Draws me in deep
While you surround me with
Your darkly dreamed sleep
I am spinning
Somehow not winning
Oh my
Dirty thunderstorm
You just keep on giving

Dolphin

Dolphin
spinning
so cute in
blue water
diving in pools
riding waves of laughter
graceful dance of peace
flowing in whirlpool patterns
splash with flippers
in wet communication
sea spray fragrance in
the dampened air
fresh aroma purest breath
upon the tongue
taste of salty breeze
drinking aqua flavour
friendly with tuna
people lovers
union and harmony
within their universe
world of smooth swimmers
captivate passers-by
with charm
who reach to touch
their glossy skin
and moistened smooth
next to dampened fin
lovely creatures

Dying

I am dying to speak to you, and you told me you’d be there
This is unreasonable, I know, but why are you not waiting?
I told you that I could never be with you in my life
And this I meant, but I want you to wait – am I your future wife?
Or not?

I am dying inside because I need you, or I think I do
I know that I am crazy, yes, maybe more than you!
Although you’d never know it, because you didn’t pick up
And all my words are cold and hard, I tell you to give up
Or do I?

I am dying in my sleep because I’m not with you now
I fantasise constantly about the unspoken secret vow
You will never come to realise what I’m going through for you
Because I will not tell you, out of respect and love for you…
But it kills me
Or does it?

I am dying in my heart and my predicament is real
Every word you ever spoke and every truth you conceal
I’m all alone in darkest bliss and cannot see the light
Although you offer everything, there is nothing in my sight
And it cuts me
Do you see?

I am dying every day, physically and mentally
And I am never going to admit this insanity defeat
This you have to realise, although you are naive
Everything you said to me takes so long to conceive
And it wounds me
Do you know?

I am dying because you do not understand my pain
You think only about your own, and never stop to feel my rain
Because it pours down from the sky in clouds of darkest mist
And never in my life did I ever think I’d feel like this
And it destroys me
Tell me you know